As I'm writing this my feelings and emotions are high because this is something that I refused to have gone through. I want to break this down as much as possible because when we hurt, we hurt. It all started out about 8 years ago. I can remember like it was yesterday meeting the SO, who had happened to become like a best friend. I remember being there for each other through it all, Being young and SO being a couple of years older than me it was like a Hey! You like what you like.
We started to be around each other quite often like every early stage of meeting someone, getting to know the small things such as your favorite foods, colors, age, knowing if they have children .. you know the typical questions we all want to know the answer to.
As years gone by I was numb to what was truly going on, had to realize that this is not ok and what I mean by saying this was not ok … I had seen some things that I knew I shouldn't have looked past. I should have walked away and never turned back.
We all have been in a situation where we are so in love but fighting for knowing the truth, that was me… I have never been a huge relationship type of person because I loved to just grind and do what I love and that was my happy place.
The SO who was in my life had been a friend, a big support, and anything most would want, but he also destroyed me as the years went on. He was getting into my head. It was like he knew what would trigger me, what would make my anxiety extremely high to the point I wanted to really, excuse my language, Fuck Him Up.
I got tired of the disrespect. I got tired of kissing somebody's ass who didn’t deserve all of me… when I say tired, I was tired! I had allowed all that pain to build up to where I started to eat to cope. I knew at times I wasn’t really hungry but because I was in such a lost place in my life I would just eat.
Times, I would ask myself, are you really allowing a man to get into your head when you have the control over your own life?
My breaking point was when I started to see a change within my health. I lost the glow that I worked so hard for within my weight loss journey. I had had enough. I started to wake up and realize that I deserved more and better… but first I needed to find it in me to start loving myself again. I needed to realize that I was the Prize Queen and that I was Enough. The more I continued to encourage myself, I found the strength to get back on my feet. I knew that anytime he would react, I was going to be STRONG.
I will never go back into a place that took me years to get out of. It’s not something that I regret but I have learned from all the years of being in my SO life. Months later, I now realize that leaving the relationship was a decision I should have made very early on. There were so many red flags I had ignored and so many conflicts that were left unresolved. Prolonging the relationship allowed them to fester and increase in dynamics over time. This often led to heated arguments, swearing, being given the “silent treatment” and hiding our feelings from one another.
Don't miss the signs. If you're feeling unappreciated, unworthy or drained, if he's confused about what he wants, lacks trust or comes with so much negative energy, you're probably in a toxic relationship.
My relationship was most definitely not one of my most comforting and pleasing experiences but it’s given me a new perspective on life, allowed me to grow as a person, and most importantly, enabled me to find confidence and strength within myself.
Ladies your life belongs to you– do not let others control it: This was a huge issue in my relationship. I let my SO control my life to the point where I couldn’t make decisions without feeling some sort of anxiety. I was always in fear of his disapproval and the way he would get angry over certain choices I made.
At the end of the day, I was so mentally exhausted and lost within myself. So I encourage you to stand STRONG and BE CONFIDENT in yourself. Don’t let another person’s remarks, criticisms or judgment get in the way of what you want to pursue.
I know that it’s easier said than done, but this is YOUR life, YOUR decisions, and YOU are the one living it, not someone else.
Leaving any kind of relationship is definitely not easy, so I encourage you to be strong, be kind to yourself, and most importantly of all, love yourself. Xo Chloe Eliz, A Grown Ass Black Woman