My fiancee and I always have had the BEST conversations surrounding religion and spirituality. — She went to seminary school (disclaimer she didn’t study seminary but the foundation of their education is seminary) and because of that she brings a deeper knowledge of the practice of Christianity to the conversation.
People who have been following me for a while probably have heard me say that she had brought me back to Christ and that’s the easiest way to explain it. Something relating to our sexual orientation and business endeavors triggered this discussion and I’m always happy to have it with her. — Okay here we go.
I have had such a conflicted and turbulent relationship with God since about 2008. I was your typical young church goer dedicated to living my life through Christ. I was adamant about it. I surrounded myself with people I could learn from and I took pride in my religion. It comforted me and brought peace to a troubled upbringing. — In 2008 I came out as gay. Everything hit the fan. I mean literally–EVERYONE LOST THEIR MINDS. The support system that I knew and nutured was gone out the window. The years leading up to this revelation I knew I was gay and attempted to ignore the temptation and to dive deeper into my journey with god in hope it would amend the feelings. Nah, still here. — This made me angry, moreso furious with God.
I’d been devoted to him why did this have to be my life? Why did he take away everything I grew to love by making me gay? Why couldn’t I just be with a man? The questions broke my heart and left me feeling completely alone. I was mad at the people who turned their backs on me instead of responding with the love I really needed. THAT BROKE ME ENTIRELY (still recovering from that massive letdown, honestly) and I allowed THAT action to effect my relationship with him. — I put the weight of my entire religion on people who were still actively on their on spiritual journey and that’s not fair to him OR ME. They turned their backs on me and turned my back on him.
As an adult I’ve come to understand that everyone has their own journey, and we are INDEPENDENTLY responsible for our spiritual journey. While important to learn and gather in fellowship, the responsibility of spiritual growth falls on yourself. — I have been so inconsistent with God, but he loves me and ALWAYS welcomes me back with open arms. Despite my shortcomings, he had consistently been right there waiting the day I find my way back to him. He knew what I was feeling and he didn’t hold it against me. I AM GRATEFUL FOR THAT. Today, I reignite that flame and dedicate my life back to him. I will work to strengthen that relationship with him and surround myself with people who are KNOWLEDGEABLE in his word. — We all sin. We are incapable of being perfect and living a life without sin which is why he sacrificed himself for us, his children. I won’t continue to feel I am less worthy of his love because I am gay instead I will bask in his love now and forever more. He created me and light the flame. I am home.
I have been set free ❤
Whitley, A Grown Ass Black Woman