Have you ever been in a relationship where you had the constant “walking on eggshells” feeling?
Not because he was an unpredictable volcano, but because you worried about whether or not you were saying the right things, or expressing your emotions in an “acceptable” way.
You worried if you shared the “proper” amount of personal information and your actions were representing you in the best light. Basically, you were doing whatever you could to make sure that all your actions kept him around. But no matter what you were doing, there was still this fear of him leaving.
There was this constant need to prove that you were good enough for him to stick around. So you would adjust this about you and hide that about you, all with the hope that he stays around and chooses you as “The One”, wifey.
I say this in the most loving way possible. Sis, please stop!
You’re dimming your light. You are doing whatever it takes to be wifey at the sake of losing YOU. Every moment you hide or partially share things about you, you dim your magical glow.
You know what glow I am talking about, your essence. The very qualities that make you, you. Your voice, opinions, emotions, preferences, and all the other things that make you shine. The more you dim your light for the relationship, the more you disappear. Then a lingering fear haunts you.
But, why though? Why does this fear linger like the smell of perfume from last night’s rendezvous? And, where the hell did this fear come from?!
Well, first of all, the fear sticks around because some of your self-worth is connected to whether or not this man chooses you and stays around. If you become wifey then your self-worth increases, temporarily though. If he leaves, then there goes that self-worth walking out the door with his ass.
His presence dictates your worthiness. As a way to sustain your worthiness, you do whatever it takes to keep him around. This fear developed from many different places.
Starting at childhood, then moving all the way to now. Somewhere along your journey, you received the message that you were too much or not enough for someone.
The way you internalized those messages was to do whatever it took for people to stay around you. So you began to hide or omit things about you to keep them close.
You just want that feeling of “not enough” to go away, but it’s done in a way that makes you disappear. Accept yourself through and through.
Your self-worth should not be connected to anyone’s decision to stay with you. Never be afraid of someone leaving because of your light. Be yourself in your relationships.
Shine like the diamond you know you are.
LaTrease, A Grown Ass Black Woman
LaTrease Nwosu is a Relationship Specialist at Connecting 2 Love helping women discover healthy relationships. When she isn’t thinking about healthy relationships she is in the kitchen cooking delicious and healthy meals.